What a Week

I got a pedicure last night. Hot pink toes seemed like the perfect antidote to a week of bitter cold and emotional meltdowns.

I had no idea after I left my singles ward last month (I'm not supposed to say I got kicked out of the ward for being old... but why tiptoe around the truth) that my Boy-Girl experiences would only get worse. How is that even possible, you ask. Let me tell you about my week.

• I heard through the grapevine that a guy I had dinner with a few weeks ago decided not to ask me out again because I like fruit. And he has anxiety about eating fruit. So obviously, that was not going to work out well long term.

• A work associate offered to set me up with his "one single friend left," who happens to be 24 years old. He thought I'd make an awesome cougar. I'm not sure about his judgement though, because he also mentioned that the outfit I was wearing yesterday was a cross between a kindergarten teacher and a hooker. And it gets better. Because when I diplomatically said "no" to the 24 year-old, he offered to give me the phone number of one of his insurance clients, an almost-divorced Argentinean with three kids who owns a jewelry store and (get this) a healthy cigarettes establishment. ??? Because the "jewelry store/tobacco shop owner" thing would go well with the "school teacher/lady of the night" look I have going on here.

• Also this week I was approached by two high school age guys who led off with their GPA's and ACT scores. One of them was hopeful that he'd qualify for a full ride scholarship to Utah State. It took ALL of my self-control not to embarrass him in front of his buddy and be like, "Wow, a full ride? I had a full ride to Utah State. In 1997."

Now, this is my blog, so I would be totally within my rights to leave it at that. I am surrounded by guys who are exceedingly lame. End of story. But in the interest of full disclosure, I will state that also this week I totally freaked out on a good friend who happens to be a boy. I cried, made sweeping accusations, said words I don't typically say, and made threats of violence I had every intention of carrying out. If you've ever seen me get good and ticked before, you know exactly what kind of scene I'm talking about. If you haven't... thank your lucky stars.

So what's a girl to do? My temporary solution last night was a hot pink pedicure, a ten pound pork burrito and an early bedtime. I've also set a goal not to throw knives at people. Already the world seems like a better place!